34 completely nonsensical things in Spectre (spoilers, obviously)

I saw Spectre, the latest James Bond movie, last night. I was already underwhelmed walking out of the theater, and Spectre is one of those moves where the more you think about it, the less sense it makes. Here’s a chronological list of plot holes and other problems I came up with in the shower this morning. Spoilers ahead.

  1. Why did M tell Bond to kill that bad guy in the beginning? What was so important about him? He was apparently just a cog in Spectre, who was later replaced by a guy whose greatest talent seems to be gouging people’s eyes out.
  2. If that bad guy was important, why wasn’t the rest of 00 section informed? Because M suspected Spectre had connections to the guy who would be taking over British intelligence? But that was true of the bad guys in the last 3 movies too, because they all worked for Spectre. If Spectre had the power to stop 00 section from interfering in their operations, they would have done it before now.
  3. Why did the building explode after Bond shot those dudes? Maybe I missed something. I thought maybe somebody else was also trying to assassinate this guy, but that never comes up.
  4. What did M mean by “don’t miss the funeral”? Was that her way to get Bond to meet the villain’s ex-wife? And if so, seriouslyThat’s the best guidance you can give our hero, who is trying to save the damn world? Is that her cheeky way of saying, “Dude, Monica Bellucci will be there. You’ll know what to do.”?
  5. How did M know that Spectre would wait until after the funeral to kill Monica Bellucci? The movie would have ended pretty quickly if they had taken her out on the way to the funeral. And what are the odds that the assassins show up at exactly the same time as Bond?
  6. Um, James Bond and Monica Bellucci are having sex now, I guess? WTF happened?
  7. “BTW James, a meeting of the super secret evil organization you’re after happens to be taking place in 20 minutes just across town. There’s literally no reason for them to be in this city at all, but that’s what the plot requires. Oh, and they don’t check ID, but remember your magic Spectre ring, because that will get you in even though they know one of those rings is missing.”
  8. “All the leaders of the most evil organization in the world, all in one place? Probably not a good time to call in an airstrike. I’ll just sniff around a bit.”
  9. [In Italian] “Does anybody know why we’re speaking Italian? Oh, we just switch to the language of whatever country we happen to be in? Ugh. Better brush up on my Mandarin for next week.”
  10. “Does anybody want to challenge Italian Dennis Leary’s claim on the vacant leadership position? Ah, I see a very large man has stood up. What are your qualifications, sir? Oh, you can gouge a guy’s eyes out! Good show! That’s the one talent that our organization lacks!”
  11. “Hey, James Bond is here! How do I know? Uhhh… surveillance, I guess? Maybe I let him in or something, just to toy with him. Anyway, stop him! No, not all of you. Just one guy, preferably the new guy who can gouge people’s eyes out.”
  12. So James Bond was injected with nanoblood that allows him to be tracked across continents, but they didn’t LoJack the $6 million car?
  13. I can totally see why that car was worth $6 million. It was bullet proof and had an ejector seat.
  14. The “Pale King” was mentioned in the very first scene in the movie. Why didn’t Bond have Moneypenny look him up then? And if they know who he is, why isn’t he in custody, rather than sitting at home in his basement?
  15. Thallium poisoning: when you want your victim to have plenty of time to betray you before he finally dies weeks later.
  16. Why would anybody think “L’American” was a person? The first thing I would do is Google it, find the hotel and cut out the middleman. But then the middleman is a cute young blonde, so maybe not.
  17. “I’m super good at surviving, so I’ll hide in this glass cage at the top of a mountain.”
  18. “Hi, remember me? I’m Q, who has no particular reason to help you. In fact, you’ve always been kind of an asshole to me, like that time you stole that $6 million car from me right after I risked my job to help you, which, as we’ve established, I had no reason to do in the first place. Anyway, I’m here to help you some more.”
  19. “Fortunately for you, I’ve brought my laptop and USB Spectre ring analyzer, and… OMG you were right, James Bond! This ring proves all of your foes are connected and that your antagonist, whom we thought was long dead, is still alive! Because if this ring carried any more back story around with it, Frodo would be trying to throw it in a volcano.”
  20. Spectre has the resources to launch terrorist attacks at will, and James Bond is traveling across country on a train… so let’s just send one unarmed guy after him again. Is Eye Gouger busy?
  21. If a mouse going into a hole in the wall means there’s a secret room behind the wall, then my apartment in college was the Taj Mahal.
  22. In secret agent school, they teach us to punch man-sized holes in plaster walls, in order to uncover…
  23. …a room so secret that it’s impossible for anyone to get to it without punching a hole in the wall!
  24. No one’s been in this room for 20 years, and it’s in a third world country where the electricity goes out three times a day, but the Apple IIe is still running the same program that the girl’s father was looking at when he was last here.
  25. A secret facility in the desert, because… well, let’s face it, the best parts of this movie are homages to better Bond movies, and at this point even Quantum of Solace looks pretty good.
  26. But how will we break into the… oh, I guess the bad guy sent someone to pick us up. That’s nice.
  27. Surprise, James Bond! I’ve had you under surveillance this entire time! Which means… uh, I could have stopped you at any time, I guess. But I didn’t, because despite my position as the most powerful supervillain in the world, I frankly still have quite a bit of unresolved stuff from my childhood. It’s actually kind of surprising I’ve gotten this far with such a crippling mental handicap.
  28. “I shall drill into your brain and cause you to forget the woman you love, because I am an expert on brains, and that’s how memories are stored. Or not, I guess.”
  29. Let’s put some kind of fuel tanks in the middle of this facility so that one minor accident would obliterate the whole place in a gigantic fireball.
  30. “At midnight, the new system goes online, and then we will have the whole world under surveillance! Which, as we’ve repeatedly established, we already have! So I’m not really sure what the big deal is. But hey, TICKING CLOCK!”
  31. James Bond is on his way to see the bad guy, when he is attacked and kidnapped, and taken… to the bad guy! Well, that was actually kind of convenient. Thanks for the ride, guys, but I must escape your custody now. POW! BAM! [goes inside, sees helpful BOND GO THIS WAY ===> sign]. Bond thinks to self, “Wow, this supervillain is so clever that he actually planned for me to get captured and then to escape in exactly the way that I in fact did. I wonder if this is some kind of trap. Nah”
  32. “I, the supervillain, will now torment you with pictures of people who have died because of you, even though if my plan worked, you wouldn’t remember any of these people!”
  33. “Do you trust me? Do you remember that scene a few minutes ago where we established that there was some kind of cargo netting down below us for some reason?”
  34. “Yay, we stopped the bad guys!” Except, uh, nothing has really changed. The whole surveillance system (and the political/legal regime that put it there) is still in place, and presumably Spectre can survive the capture of a couple of their leaders, as they’ve done several times in the past. Sure, they destroyed the desert facility, but clearly that place wasn’t vital to their plan anyway. But whatever, dudes, I’m off with a hot chick and another stolen car!”

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